Famous Preemies:

Albert Einstein
Isaac Newton
Napoleon Bonaparte
Winston Churchill
Victor Hugo
Anna Pavlova

says alot doesn't it

Here's the dilemma, I quit smoking completely one month ago. I had cut back drastically when I got pregnant ( the total of 3-4 cigarettes a day) I was told not to give up cold turkey as the shock on my body might put too much stress on me, especially after having to quit so many other medications so quickly. The detox was horrible enough without the added nicotine withdrawals, so I cut back from one pack a day and was able to get by with just a few a day.

(BTW smoking had nothing to do with my water breaking that was stress due to a shock, I was almost in a car accident the same day. Atleast that's what my doctor said "NO one's water has ever broke due to smoking"

Anyway, I decided after 4 days in the hospital - without a cigarette what would be the point now, especially if I need to produce contaminant free breast milk for a preemie.  

 Anyway, every so often I wish I could go out for a smoke, but I wander around the house and end up eating something, so I figured I would do a few exercises went I felt that way and went online for some advice on nutrition and exercise for breastfeeding moms....................yeah right!

 Want to know what I found - - -answers I didn't like. Breastfeeding or just producing milk burns about 600 calories a day. But what good is that if I can't tone the 3 months worth of bed ridden atrophied muscles I already have. Normal exercise is okay but because you build up lactic acid when you actually exercise, too much can alter your breast milk. ON top of that my stomach was "wildly ripped open" to get my son out of my a quickly as possible, you can imagine what THAT looks like, (my underwear doesn't even fit right) but do to the massive abdominal wound I ensued ( that by the way is a good 2 inches BELOW my other 1 - that's is actually laden with 2 c-sections worth of scar tissue) I can't even do a damn sit up or crunch!

Okay enough of my late night rambling, (sorry but that) I know it won't last forever, but right now is dragging on too long. The frustration is killing me.

I even looked up negative calorie foods -- but all of them are fruits and veggies and most of them my teeth can't handle. I have to have 2 or 3 more pulled (3 of which I know for a fact are broken) I bit down on a piece of gum and have of one split off, a week later another piece of gum took out the filling that was left in it. I will have a total of 8 teeth on the top and 10 on the bottom when they are done. Right now, I'm living off of peanut butter and jelly, and scrambled eggs-- hey but don't worry the dentist can fit me in for a CONSULT NEXT THRUSDAY, then they will schedule my extractions, I guess I should just be thankful I don't have to pay for it.

Sorry that was another ramble wasn't it. Anyway, I'm gonna call the NICU and check on Aiden, (don't get me started) Then I have to use the pump again at midnight, clean it up and go to sleep, then wake up a 5:30 tomorrow and do the whole damn day again!

Later

Chris and I got to hold Aiden saturday. He's feels so much smaller than he looks. The nurse I spoke to on the phone was optimistic that he will continue to thrive but it's hard to not think about every little thing that can go wrong. He still has what they call "spells" basically it's apnea, where he falls asleep so deeply that he ends up not breathing and his heart rate drops. Most of the time he "self corrects' the problem other times the nurse just has to rub his back and stimulate him. He also has been having tummy trouble. He was eating 2.5cc's ( half a tsp) of breast milk every 6 hours, then they upped his feeding to every 3 hours, all of a sudden his belly was distended and they were getting brown residual from his feeding ( that's when they clear out his throat, tummy and feeding line of anything he didn't use during the feeding). They took x-rays of his stomach and everything was fine. They held his feedings for a few days and started him back today at 2 cc's every 6 hours again. They also put him on antibiotics cuz his PICC line looked red and swollen, so they put in a regular IV.

They tell me that this is all very normal and he's doing amazingly well, for his age and that he will eventually grow out of everything that scares me.

Other than that, I am being reassured, by many a medical professional, that nothing I could have done (physically) short of beating myself in the stomach or falling flat on my belly could have caused my water to break, most people I ask are as sure as I am that it was caused by a freak,"almost" accident that I wasn't in. Some girl almost hit me (driver's side, almost t-boned my car) making a left out of a drive, while I was making a left of the main road into the parking lot she was coming out of. SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME. I had to stop for quite a while just to calm down and stop shaking.

  ---- but if this was the start of my 'episode' the lack of amniotic fluid could have aggravated the placenta, and I already had problems with that starting from when I was only 8 weeks pregnant with my first hemorrhage.

   Still it's easy to blame myself, I know others do. Everyone needs someone to blame when something goes wrong.

Anyway, it's still the most overwhelming experience I've ever been though. It's harder than when my dad died, it's harder than being in an abusive relationship, hell it's harder than leaving that relationship.

The amount of paperwork I have to endure, the pumping breast milk every 2-3 hours ( which I found out keeps Aiden from from having intestinal problems that cause death in preemies due to formula being to harsh for their bellies) not to mention keeping up with my other 2 kids, their appointments, school etc., is absolutely causing me to melt down. I can't even get more than 4-5 hours sleep, because I'm not supposed to wait longer than that to pump again or my milk supply might dwindle. Oh I didn't mention that after I use the breast pump that I have to clean and wash every little part BY HAND- no sponge or brush, because I can't have any contamination or bacteria compromising the food supply for Aiden.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for sympathy, and God only knows not too many people could understand enough to have any empathy. I'm just venting I guess. I can't work, I can't go out and every move I make is based on getting back home to use a breast pump. (by the way it takes 10 minutes to get it ready, and hands washed, 20 minutes to pump and 10 -15 minutes to wash and log in my times and labels-- that's 40 minutes every 2 hours) It just doesn't leave much time for everything else, and everything else is important too.

I know life won't be like this forever, but right now, it's almost to tough to get through even though I'm doing it.

On a lighter note the swelling in my legs and feet, that I have had for 2 weeks now, has gone down a little and I can almost walk straight, even though my feet hurt so bad it feels like open skin wounds.

Enough for now.

Aiden Bradley, my son, was born tuesday ( may 19th) somewhere around 8:30 in the morning. My water broke around 2 am, I was at the ER by 3:30, they transferred me to another hospital with a NICU, that could better handle the baby if he was born, I got there around 6ish, after a quite a few tests and questions, during shift change, I was waiting for medication to help the baby. All of a sudden it felt like hot powder was sprayed into my throat/ tonsil area, I had to throw up but I had not eaten or drank anything in over 12 hours, so It was all dry heaves, my head started to pound and I couldn't catch my breath. I was having or going into partial placenal abruption. The nurses came in fast but I couldn't verbalize anything, they were hollering at me. They couldn't find his heartbeat on the doppler or the ultrasound with in 10 minutes I was zoomed into an operating room and put to sleep. I don't remember waking up but I do remember worrying if he was alive. Chris told me after I had seen him for the first time that he was actually born with out a heart beat. He was born one day shy of being 27weeks old.

He's doing better than I thought he would be, the nurses started to give him breast milk today.

He's so tiny. 2 pounds. I never thought the fear that I felt the whole time I was pregnant could get worse, but it did. I had to go the whole first day not seeing him, I still can't hold him and I had to leave the hospital with out him. Helpless -him and me and there's nothing I can do about it.